The goodbyes are starting

Dee leaves tomorrow for her year long exchange in Mexico. When I said goodbye to her today, there was another of those shit-just-got-real moments because I realized that not only will I not see Dee for a whole year, but this is also just the first of many goodbyes that I’ll have to go through in the next few weeks.

I’ve been friends with Dee for only two years, but it’s been an intense two years. I spend so much time at her house that I know where everything is and I help myself to whatever I need, clothes or food or whatever. Her parents told me months back to stop ringing the doorbell for goodness sakes and just walk in. They’ve even joked that maybe I ought to take over the guest bedroom. As it is, I have my own side of her bed.

I don’t really know how our friendship started; we met in grade 11 english I think, but we didn’t become friends until sometime that November when we decided to skip english together and ended up sitting in my car eating Halloween candy and talking about boys. Since then we’ve had a lot of classes together, as well as track meets and camping trips and shopping excursions. She has taught me to ski better and I’ve taught her how to shop for bras that actually fit. We’re both super competitive, so we push each other when we work out together, whether it’s running or yoga or hiking. We even got to the point where we would spend our spare running errands together like going to the bank or buying toothbrushes or whatever.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I just wanted to explain how much Dee has been apart of my life. I’ve seen her almost every day for the last year for sure. And now all of a sudden *poof* she’s gone. Does that strike anyone else as strange? You go through these periods of your life where nothing changes, and then all of a sudden you do something like graduate high school and all of a sudden everything changes.

It wasn’t exactly a tearful goodbye because neither Dee nor I are really the emotional type. It went something along the lines of, “I’ll miss you, have an amazing time, you’re going to love it blah blah blah” and then we hugged and then as I was walking out the door we both called to each other at the same time:

Kay: Don’t get pregnant!

Dee: Don’t get alcohol poisoning!

That is what friends are for, right?

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Uh oh Kay is talking about boys again

It occurs to me that I’m an adult now and maybe I ought to start saying “men” instead of boys, but I don’t really feel like a grown up yet, so I’m sticking with boys for now okay?

I like Nob. I have always liked Nob, from the day I met him and he gave me this crazy grin and said something sarcastic that I don’t remember. I liked him in grade 10 english when he joked around a lot, but it turned out he really cared about the subject and he is a really good writer actually. Then in sports med I liked how he sat in front of me and we would have these intense political debates when we were supposed to be taping ankles. And I even liked being in math with him three years in a row, even though his favourite thing to do was tease me and stick paper clips in my hair when I wasn’t looking.

The problem is that we already tried the dating thing once. In grade 11 we went on a couple dates, coffee and skating a such, and it was fun, but he just seemed so nervous and awkward. I didn’t want dating to be awkward, so I went out with Patt instead, and then he dated some other girl from english class who I’m pretty sure wasn’t smart enough to get his jokes. I think he was mad at me for a while for rejecting him, but the truth is that we have too much fun together to stay away from each other. We tease each other about that stuff now.

The problem is that in grade 11 I had my reasons for not dating him. I just don’t know if they still apply. I was scared that he was too sensitive and awkward and inexperienced for me and that I would just find it frustrating and it would ruin our friendship. He’s different now though. I think. He’s more confident I guess.

It’s like, I feel this incredible pull towards him, but I don’t exactly know what that means. I just like being near him. I like talking to him and just absorbing the energy between us. I can practically hear it crackling when we get close.

It’s not like, love though. I mean, I think if it was love I would just know, you know? I wouldn’t be sitting in bed with my laptop right now questioning it on my blog…right?

Right?

I will almost certainly see him this fall. His university is within spitting distance of mine and Lyd goes there too, so I will definitely be visiting. And we’re going to a screening of Serenity with Drew next week, and laser tagging tomorrow.

It’s enough just to hang out with him. I don’t need anything else. Probably. Ugh I just don’t know.

Here’s a post I wrote about Nob back in grade 10. It’s funny to read what I thought about him back then. It’s different, but the same.

In a land far, far away…

I was talking to a girl at work today who I’ve vaguely known since preschool. I was trying to make small talk because there was no one in the restaurant and we were bored, so I asked her what she was doing come fall.

Girl: Umm nothing. Working, I guess. What about you?

I named the city that I’m going to for university.

Girl: But that’s so far away! Aren’t you scared? Are you going to know anyone?

I didn’t really know what to say. It never occurred to me to be scared. Excited, yes. A little nervous? Maybe, but mostly about being able to pay for everything. Nothing scares me about going somewhere else.

The girl at work hasn’t been the only one to bring it up though. I’ve had people tell me I’m brave and “adventurous” for going to a school that I have to take a plane to get to. The thing is, I had never felt like I had any other choice. I can’t remember not wanting to go away for school. I love my dad and my house and my town, but I also love everything new and different. I think change is really exciting, so I know I’m going to love university. Besides “far” is all relative. If anything happens, I know I can hop on a plane and be home in a few hours. There’s Skype and the good ole fashioned telephone if I ever feel homesick, which I’m sure I will, at some point. 

What scares me so much more than living in a strange city is doing the opposite; getting stuck. My worst nightmare would be living in the same town where I grew up, working at a monotonous minimum wage day after day, never learning or changing or experiencing anything new. Being stagnant; that is what terrifies me more than anything.