I think it’s finally hitting me, the whole high-school-ending thing. I didn’t feel it at grad when there were all those speeches about the future and the good times we’ve had and whatever. I didn’t feel it on the last day either, when we were signing yearbooks and other girls (and a few guys) were tearing up and hugging and promising to keep in touch. But now I’m starting to feel something.
It’s not even sadness so much as a kind of void in my life where school once was. This isn’t like other summers, where it’s a little break before the new year in September. Today when I woke up with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I realized that high school is over, for real. I won’t see a lot of those kids ever again. I won’t get stuck in those crowded hallways between classes ever again.
And then I realized something else. I can do anything now. Anything I want. I can just get in my car and pick a direction and start driving. I can spend the next two months creating a giant card house. Hell, I could just climb into bed and sleep for days if I wanted.
High school was fun, but it was also too much. To many classes, too many sports, too many clubs, too many jobs and obligations and responsibilities. I’m sure that university will have its share of busyness, but not in the same way. I never really felt like I had a choice with any of it. There was so much stuff that I did just because I felt as if I ought to, like taking physics, or joining the track team. No one actually forced me to do anything, but I always felt like I had to be the person everyone thought I was-a joiner, one of those “well-rounded individuals”.
I’m so glad that’s over.
In September I will leave for a school that I chose in a city that I like and take classes that I find actually interesting. No one will know me. No one will have any expectations about who I am or who I should be. Maybe I will join stuff, who knows. I just know that if I do it will be because I wanted to, not because I felt like I ought to.
Until then, I’m in limbo; I’m not a high school student anymore but also not a college kid. This summer feels so huge and open, just days upon days to spend however I choose. Days and days where I don’t have to do anything at all if I don’t want to. It’s a weird feeling, freeing but also scary.
I do have a job waitressing at a diner in town and that will keep me kind of busy this summer, but there’s still so much time left to do other things. I bought a yoga pass because I’ve always wanted to get into yoga but I’ve always been too busy. I started an online HTML tutorial in the hopes that eventually I’ll be able to code my own site for kaysfairytale. Maybe I’ll start a Youtube account and start vlogging too.
It’s strange, isn’t it? All of this uncertainty is kind of foreign and scary, but also so full of possibility. Thinking about it gives me this little thrill, a kind of tingle down to my toes.