I need to have a jealous bitch moment here

Standard angst warning on this post: there is an abnormally high amount of angst in this post. Read at your own risk. Kay and Have You Seen My Glass Slipper? are in no way liable for any psychological damage incurred from extended exposure to this level of angst.

I wish that Mat wasn’t so damn nice, because that would make him a hell of a lot easier to hate. School awards day was today, and Mat swept all the categories: student of the year, school spirit, and journalism distinction, top journalism mark. All of the categories that I should have had locked down. Well, maybe not school spirit.

And yes, they’re high school awards, and in five years or even a couple weeks, no one will care who got them. Really, I get how trivial this complaint is, and I get that I seem like a jealous bitch as well as a compulsive over-achiever, it’s just that I am so SICK of living in Mat’s shadow. I’ve done so much work for the school in the last three years as editor of the yearbook, editor of the school paper, and captain of the soccer team. I’ve mentored a lot of younger students in the journalism program, I’ve done a lot of work advertising for the global aid club and I started a school Twitter account to keep students updated on school events. I really CARE about this school and I thought that people would have noticed that by now, but all they see is Mat. Mat, who is my co-editor in yearbook and the paper. Mat, who is so visible taking photos at events while I only write the copy and work on the layouts of the yearbook. Mat, who is in full French Immersion and full AP to my single AP course.

I do just as much work on the yearbook as he does, but if the principals need to talk to someone about what’s going on with it, they always find him to talk to, even when I’m sitting right next to him in class when they come to get him. Even the yearbook advisor, who knows me, and supposedly knows what I’m capable of, always looks to him for direction.

And those journalism awards piss me off even more because Mat doesn’t even want to be a journalist! He doesn’t even like writing. He’s into photography and he wants to be an economist. I’m the one who is in love with writing. I’m the one who gets paid to write for a magazine. I’m the one who got her publisher to come in to school and speak to our journalism class. Me.

I’m just so angry at him and I know that I’m not being at all fair because he is so kind and selfless and he always includes me and sticks up for me and makes sure that teachers and administrators notice my contributions. He has put up with my frustrated rages when we’re struggling to piece together layouts, the days I ignore him in class while I’m struggling through writers’ block, and all of my sarcasm that isn’t always as funny as I think it is. He is such a good friend and I don’t deserve him.

Besides, I didn’t exactly get ignored at the awards. I was given a $750 scholarship for my trouble, from some donor outside the school to be used for miscellaneous purposes. I should feel grateful because I could really use the tuition money, but it kind of felt as if I was being paid off because they knew they were excluding me from the other awards.

Man, I’m an idiot. I needed to get this off my chest, though. Here it is, the worst of my inner ugliness. If this sort of rant isn’t what an anonymous blog is good for, I don’t know what is.

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6 thoughts on “I need to have a jealous bitch moment here

  1. This is why, when it was awards time at one school, the teachers in charge of deciding awards sat down together and discussed it. And they said things like, “No, he already has the x award. Let’s give the y award to Z.” It isn’t Mat’s fault he’s getting all the awards. It’s the adults’ fault for being dumb about it and not realizing they aren’t awarding excellence per se but either some subtle quality of charm he has or his gender. I’m sorry. 😦

    • That’s a good point. The thing is, I’m really happy for him, and he is definitely qualified for all of the awards he received. But yeah, there’s a thing that happens where teachers give out awards based on sheer charisma.

  2. First of all, congratulations on the scholarship. Good going you!
    And I get your frustration. Those perfect people, sometimes I hate them too. You can’t have everything, dammit! The point is, you are an amazing person too. YOU will get your moment in the spotlight. Today just wasn’t your day. When it matters, when it really matters out of high school, you’ll be up there getting all those awards (and making tons of people jealous 😉 )

  3. Congrats on the cash award that will come in quite handy, and as you were quick to point out it will be quite helpful. As for your rant! Well it’s good to get that off your chest. As much as you were pissed off you were also quick to defend Mat as well. And you were even quicker to point out the friendship you share. That you will find comes back to many many times in your years ahead. Good friends are really hard to find, one’s like Mat even harder, take care of that. — Take care, Bill

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