What your restaurant order says about you

So I went out for dinner with Pal and my father tonight, which was our way of blatantly ignoring mother’s day, slash saying goodbye to Pal before he returns to his pretty-much-home on the west coast. We went to one of those family restaurants that has half decent food of all kinds-everything from steak (which is supposed to be good because we live in cattle country but actually isn’t) to stir fry (because they’re “super ethnic”) to salads (the ones that taste good are probably not healthy at all) to pasta. I was having the biggest burger craving ever, so I ordered the one with onion rings on it, and Pal is a recent pescetarian, which means he doesn’t eat meat except for fish (yes, three years on the west coast has gotten to him) so he ordered the fish filet sandwich and dad is trying to watch his cholesterol, so he ordered one of the actual healthy salads that tastes like dry leaves.

A guy who wasn’t our waiter brought our meals, and he didn’t stop to ask us who ordered what. He put my burger in front of Pal, the fish in front of dad, and the salad in front of me. I bit back a laugh, because I used to work at a restaurant just like this one, and in that waiter’s position I probably would have done the exact same thing.

I know people like to think that they’re all unique and make their own decisions, but truthfully I would say that in my time working at a family restaurant, I could predict what people were going to order about eighty percent of the time.

Yeah, I mean it. People are that predictable.

Guys between the ages of fifteen and thirty-five almost always order burgers. It’s not just a stereotype, it’s true. I don’t think I ever had a female customer my age who ordered one.

Seniors order the things they understand. They don’t go out to eat adventurously, they go out to eat the same things they would normally eat at home. They’ll go for the roast beef dinner or the steak sandwich generally. The place I worked at also had liver and onions, and seriously that was the most popular item on the menu for seniors. There were a ton of them that became regulars just for the liver. I tried it once because so many old guys had recommended it to me. It was just as awful as I thought it would be.

Parents always order sandwiches because it’s easy to eat while feeding their children, and it won’t get cold when they feed them first. Plus, if they have to leave early because their kid is having a tantrum, the sandwich is quick and easy to pack up for later. You can always tell the amateur parents because they order things they used to eat before kids, like steak or pasta. Good luck eating that steak while it’s still hot if your kids are throwing macaroni noodles at your head.

Skinny women order salads. Sad, but true. These women always look a little depressed and never fully satisfied. They kind of make me think that when I grow up I want to be fat. The women who are the happiest are the ones who order the salads that are actually really bad for you because they’re loaded with cheese and bacon and fatty dressing. These women are happy because it tastes good and they think they’re eating healthy.

Tweens are the best because they order whatever the hell they want. They’re excited about ordering off the adult menu, so they comb it for just the right thing. They tend to order the specials or the weird items like the ginger beef or the potato skins. Sometimes I just want to high five them for being to young to conform to societal norms.

Anyway, long story short, the waiter rearranged our food when we explained to him that he had it wrong. He didn’t do a very good job at hiding his shock when I claimed the burger and I couldn’t really blame him because the trends pretty much rule out burgers for my demographic. I don’t exactly know what it says about me that I don’t eat what I’m expected to. All I know is that I was craving burgers like crazy and I fricking devoured that thing in like six bites.


2 thoughts on “What your restaurant order says about you

  1. Oh my gosh. These tags have me lying on the groud

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