How to be a chemistry teacher

Hey you! Yeah, YOU! Have you always wanted to teach high school chemistry? GOOD NEWS! It’s very easy and requires almost no effort Here’s some quick and easy tips to get you started:

-The longer you talk, the more your students will listen. Make sure to go off on tangents about topics that aren’t in the curriculum. Hell, you might as well talk for the whole class, because it really helps students learn, especially in first period. That glazed over look their eyes have? That means they’re listening really closely.

-Read straight out of the textbook. Students don’t know how to do this on their own, so they’ll appreciate it.

-Pare down your wardrobe to three gaudy, ill-fitting shirts from the 70s. This will show your students that you care more about your teaching than you do about your appearance.

-Comb over your hair to cover up your receding hairline. It totally works; you can’t even tell that you’re bald.

-Add personal anecdotes to your teaching. For example, when talking about conduction of sound waves, mention how you once went to a Metallica concert and didn’t like it because it was “too noisy.” Stories like this will help you connect with the young people you are teaching.

Remember, if your entire class fails the provincial exam, it’s not because you didn’t prepare them properly. They’re clearly just lazy, or else they don’t understand your genius.

 

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8 thoughts on “How to be a chemistry teacher

  1. And that is what is wrong with our educational system today…

    I had a very entertaining chemistry teacher in high school, and I think I actually listened about 25% of the time, but I wonder now if I actually learned anything. I can’t remember much I wouldn’t have learned in middle school science.

  2. Ugh, I’ve always wondered what teachers learn when they go to get their teaching credentials, but clearly common sense is not part of the curriculum…

    • Seriously, what do they even teach in teaching school? I heard that education students mostly party. Although it’s hard to imagine my chem teacher partying…

      • I have to say my credential program was one of the most grueling educational experiences I have undertaken. It was harder to manage than my undergraduate degree and much harder than my other graduate degree. I don’t think I slept a good night’s sleep in two years, much less saw any actual friends. But your system may be a bit different, and I did go to a good ed uni. Your chem teacher may have partied like crazy, but you have to remember chem students would entertain themselves with doing wild things with chemicals–like make dry ice bombs–so you have to imagine a little different party.

        I should also add one thing I learned in my credential program was to shut up. They were very clear about that.

        • Yeah maybe education uni is just easier in Canada. I can’t imagine my chem teacher going through a grueling program like that. Or making dry ice bombs for that matter.
          Or shutting up.

  3. #2 is the same requirement for Marketing professors!

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