I am the love guru

My friends keep asking me for love advice. I can’t for the life of me figure out why. It certainly isn’t due to my massive romantic success.

In fact, after Jo texted me for advice today, I’m starting to think that my friends are using my love life as an example of what not to do. A kind of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, if you will. Actually, more like a How to Make a Guy Fall For You and Then Confuse Him Until He Gives Up On You. It’s pure gold, apparently. Do the opposite of what Kay does, and you’re sure to find love.

A sample from my conversation with Jo, for your enjoyment:

Jo: Why didn’t you date Nob after you found out that he liked you back?

Kay: Uhhh…well you see…I did like him. But then it was kind of awkward and weird, so then I wasn’t sure if I liked him, so then I just freaked out and told him I just wanted to be friends.

Jo: Umm okay. So do you think it would have gone differently if he had just told you straight up how he felt?

Kay: No. Well, maybe. Nob is too awkward for that. I’m too awkward for that. It was just so complicated, and it just freaked me out. If you like someone and he likes you, shouldn’t it be easy and like, natural or something? Shouldn’t it? SHOULDN’T IT?

Jo: …

Kay: So, did you still want some advice?

Jo: Uh, no, I think I’m good, but thanks.

I have no idea what Jo expected to get out of that conversation, but hopefully he at least learned that if you like someone, you shouldn’t freak out and say things that make no sense, which is pretty much my trademark move. He really likes my friend Jan and she really likes him. I know this because she came to me for advice, too.

I wish them all of the romantic success that I’ve never had.

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