How to walk your cat: A tutorial for beginners

The key to any good catwalk (not the runway, I mean the walking of one’s cat) is that you cannot have a destination in mind. In fact, you must not expect to travel more than twenty metres from your starting point. Here’s a general outline of the process:

1) Put your harness and leash on your cat. This will most likely involve lots of wriggling and clawing and may require two people if you are a beginner. Once your cat becomes accustomed to wearing a harness, he will wait patiently with a look of disdain on his face while you clip it on.

2) Be patient. Very patient. Veerrrrryyyy patient. As in, your cat might sit absolutely still and stare a rock for ten minutes. This doesn’t mean he is done walking, it just means he’s quite interested in the rock.

3) Give up on giving direction. Your cat will not follow you. Your cat will not be coaxed into walking a certain direction, or turning or jumping, even if you make cat noises and say, “Here, kitty, kitty.” It turns out that demonstrating what you would like your cat to do is not effective either.

4) Keep your wits about you. If your cat sees a squirrel, or a bird, or a mouse, or a leaf, or a blade of grass, he make take off at any time with absolutely no warning, dragging you along behind him.

5) Small spaces are a big no-no. Never let the animal climb into a space that he can’t be lifted, dragged, or pulled out of. He will undoubtedly want to enter spaces like these, such as the space under your porch, or the gap between the house and the fence. He may act like he just wants to take a quick look, but actually he wants climb in and stay there for a couple hours, staring at you with a look that is a cross between “Na-na-na-na boo-boo” and “You fool!”

With this basic instruction, you are now prepared for your first cat walk. Good luck, you poor soul.


4 thoughts on “How to walk your cat: A tutorial for beginners

  1. 20 metres? My cat barely goes 20 feet.

  2. A solution for 5 could be to get your neighbor’s dog, running away will be ensured! However, he might climb up a tree and need rescuing

    • This would be an excellent plan, except that the neighbour’s dog weighs about five pounds, and my cat weighs about fifteen. He thinks the dog is some sort of squirrel, I think.
      Thanks for stopping by MissFourEyes!

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