People say that all the time, don’t they? It will be different this time. I’ve changed. I’ve matured. I won’t fall into the same old patterns that I was prey to when I was a weaker person. But is that really true? I’m a teenager, so technically I am still growing and changing and discovering my identity etc. But I’m not so sure I can shake off the old patterns that I have with boys.
Nob is incredible. He’s funny, and mature and interesting and smart and he’s willing to talk about Glee with me even at the risk of looking like a nerd for doing so. He’s my first big crush since starting school in the city, and I can barely hold back the crazy teenage squealing that threatens to leave me lips every time someone mentions his name. I am close to Facebook stalking him, I wait with shivering anticipation for every class I have with him, and it’s so difficult not to blush every time we’re face to face. Butterflies in my stomach is an understatement.
This would all be exceptionally exciting if I didn’t feel like this was just another obsession I’m going to later regret. Remember the Zee debacle? I’m scared of something like that happening, only a hundred times worse because we sit at the same lunch table, and most of my friends at Mustard High are his friends too. What if I ruin my fresh start? At least with Zee I knew there would be no danger of seeing him ever again if I didn’t want to.
I keep trying to convince myself that it is different this time. It’s a new school, and Nob is so very different from Zee. When Zee asked me out, he was coming off of a breakup from a year long relationship. Zee and I had always shared jokes and gossip, but we had never talked really seriously, and I always knew that Zee wasn’t interested in talking about anything more real than the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Nob and I talk about tv shows, but he’s also game for talking politics or books or whatever catches my fancy or his. I feel like our conversations could be endless.
I’m not sure if it’s enough though. I still don’t know it I’m even capable of actually caring about someone enough to really show it. Long enough to let him really know me. Are butterflies in my stomach and some good conversations enough to make the spark last this time? And I don’t think I want to settle for a spark this time.
I want fireworks.