Tell me what you want, what you really really want

Clearly I’m losing it if I’m using nineties girl band lyrics for titles.  But as I was trying to organize my thoughts, it was the first thing that came to my mind.

Tonight is the annual town winter festival which I always go to with my friends.  Last year I spent the entire time holding hands with Cor and staring dreamily into his eyes.  All I wanted that night was a kiss from him.  Of course, two weeks later I was completely over Cor, and he is still not completely over me now, a year later. Sigh. Complicated. 

But the point is, even though I have a lot of regrets from what happened last year, at least I knew what I wanted. Right now, I have no idea.  A couple weeks ago, I wanted Zee. Weeks before that, I wanted Kol. And before that, Ris.

And now? Now I don’t trust my own judgement. And honestly, I don’t know what I want to get out of tonight.  I know I ought to just want to hang out with my friends, but I don’t know if I really do.  Lis is out of town a a volleyball tournament, La is obsessing over a new guy (AGAIN) and has admitted that she probably won’t be around much (what happened to bros before hoes? Or chicks before dicks? Or whatever kids these days are calling it).  Nee will definitely be there, but seeing as I am most likely removed from her speed dial by now (and don’t even ask me why, I guess we grew apart or something) she and I probably won’t be spending much quality time together.  So it sounds like it’s going to be me, Zee (to whom I have some explaining to do) Cor (Who I owe a giant apology for something that happened a year ago) Jar (*awkward*) Jay (Who has been surprisingly cordial to me since she and Zee broke up. Weird.) and maybe Ti (Who is actually fun, but he’s really quiet when we hang out in groups, so maybe not fun after all. Maybe if I buy him a Red Bull or two we can have some fun.)

Oh scratch that, Cor and Jar aren’t coming. They have volleyball or something too. Well that makes things a bit easier. But also not. So where was I going with this?

Oh yes. That’s just the problem. I don’t know what I want from tonight. I’m not really hanging out with real friends, it’s going to be brutally cold, and I’m not sure how much fun will actually be had by all.  A lot of awkwardness will be had for sure.

And of course, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that wants to track down Ris in the crowd somewhere and drag him off alone a kiss him. Except the other little voice in the back of my head is telling me that I’ll regret that like I regret what happened with Zee.

I think I would be a lot better off without the little voices.


4 thoughts on “Tell me what you want, what you really really want

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