Be careful what you wish for

I’ve been so busy hoping and wishing and praying that Jay and Zee would break up, that I never paused to think about what I might do when it happened. And now that it has, instead of being just crazy happy, I’m experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, and honestly not feeling a whole lot better than when they were together.

I was full of joy for about three and a half seconds before the guilt set in.   After all, I must have been responsible for it. I’d been flirting unapologetically with Zee, texting him all the time, and encouraging him to elaborate on all of the things he disliked about Jay.  I practically tore their relationship apart with my teeth.

But then it occured to me.  What was going to happen now?  If Zee really does like me, will he want to get together with me right away?  Or is he still broken up over Jay?  I don’t want to be a rebound, I want the real thing. But maybe Zee can’t handle a new relationship right now.

But then a worse thought came into my head. What if their break up had nothing to do with me? What if Zee doesn’t like me that way, and just realized that Jay was terrible all by himself?  And what if he starts dating someone else from his high school right away and never thinks twice about me?  Maybe the connection I thought I had with Zee was all in my head!

I don’t know what to do now. Should I call him? Should I text him? Should I show up outside his house and get him to go for a walk with me? 

I have this fantasy where I go to the park next to his house and send him a text telling him to come out and push me on the tire swing. So he comes and and pushes me until I’m dizzy and we’re both laughing and we collapse on the grass. And then we both go silent and I turn and look him straight in the eyes and he does that thing where it feels like he’s looking straight into my soul. And then he leans over and kisses me softly, gently; and in my imagination it’s the perfect first kiss and there’s fireworks and shooting stars and we just sit there, kissing in the moonlight.

If only life was like my fantasies.  But the truth is, it’s been twenty-four hours since Jay and Zee broke up, and I haven’t heard from Zee at all. I don’t even know if he’s thought about me.  And all the fantasies and wishes in the world can’t change that.


One thought on “Be careful what you wish for

  1. […] friendship with Zee completely changed when I realized I had a hopeless crush on him.  Then Zee broke up with his long time girlfriend and I got super crazy-person excited.  Soon enough, my fantasies […]

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